I´m not afraid to die. I've been close and I've had to realize the reality of death. Known there's been nothing I could do. Like when you jump of an edge. The moment before you break the surface, when it's too late to change your mind. All you can do is take a deep breath and hope. I've accepted death, no fear. In that moment I knew that nothing mattered anymore. There was nothing I'd regret not doing, nothing I would miss. Life is harder.
I only live now, in this precise moment. How can I plan for what's coming? How can I depend on anything? Anyone? I guard my heart, afraid to get hurt. Still, there are already too many people I care about. Too many ways for me to brake. And though I try, I still let yet more people in. I put myself at risk and know it will crush me. I've never felt real loss. I'm still to feel. I'm still to learn. Still, it scares me more than anything. I don't want to feel. How easy would it be not to care? People are unreliable. I once heard someone say that pain is part of being human. But if that's so, why want to be human? Why search for love? We know it will end in sorrow. Nothing lasts forever. I nag this over and over again. I'm afraid.
